Infertility can introduce difficult emotions, complex questions and unexpected changes within a relationship. Partners may have different fears, ways of coping or views about what should happen next.
Ana Oliveira Pereira, Clinical and Health Psychologist at AVA Clinic in Lisbon, explains how considered, honest communication can help couples remain connected throughout the experience.
On this page:
Begin the conversation before there is a diagnosis
Do not wait for worry to become overwhelming
A diagnosis can affect each partner differently
Say what you need rather than expecting it to be understood
Give infertility a place, but not every space
Protect intimacy from becoming another task
Decide together what to tell other people
Talk about limits before you reach them
The first important conversation may happen long before you seek medical advice. It begins with what parenthood means to each of you.
You may both want children but have different ideas about when to start trying. One person may feel ready while the other is focused on work, finances, housing or simply having more time together. You may also have different views about what you would be willing to consider if pregnancy did not happen naturally.
Dr. Pereira explains that partners are not always at the same stage in their relationship or equally ready to start a family.
“Clarifying expectations early creates a stronger foundation for later decisions.”
This conversation could include:
You do not need to resolve every possibility at once. The purpose is to understand where each person stands, including any uncertainty.
It is normal for pregnancy to take time. However, anxiety may begin after only a few months, particularly when one partner is conscious of age or a previous health condition.
Dr. Pereira explains:
“One person may start monitoring ovulation, planning sex around the fertile window or feeling particularly disappointed when a period arrives. If these concerns have not been discussed, their partner may not understand the change in mood or behaviour.”
Sharing the concern early allows the other person to respond with understanding rather than guesswork.
You might begin with:
Sharing these concerns allows you to face the uncertainty together.
As Dr. Pereira says:
“It is better to share these fears from the beginning so that a partner can understand your reactions and offer emotional support.”
An infertility diagnosis can bring sadness, anger, grief, guilt or shame. These feelings may not emerge at the same time or in the same way for both partners.
One person may want to research every available treatment. The other may need time before discussing what comes next. One may talk repeatedly about the diagnosis, while the other focuses on work, exercise or practical tasks.
These differences can easily be misunderstood.
Dr. Pereira explains:
“A quieter response may look like a lack of concern. A strong focus on treatment may feel like pressure. Neither interpretation is necessarily accurate.”
Different responses do not always mean that one person wants a child more. They may reflect personality, previous experiences or different ways of coping with uncertainty. Dr. Pereira says:
“Living through infertility is a crisis that tests a relationship. But when managed well, it can often bring a couple closer.”
Your partner may care deeply and still not know what to say or do. Being specific can prevent misunderstanding and disappointment.
Instead of waiting for them to recognise what you need, try explaining it directly. Dr. Pereira gives these examples:
Try to describe your own feelings rather than making accusations. “I felt alone after the appointment” gives your partner something they can respond to. “You are never there for me” is more likely to create defensiveness.
Listening matters too. Dr. Pereira advises:
“Give your partner time to explain what they are experiencing without correcting their emotions or comparing them with your own.”
A clear understanding of what each person needs matters more than reaching complete agreement.
When treatment begins, infertility can quickly occupy every conversation. Appointments, medication, test results and decisions all require attention. Even so, talking about them constantly may leave little room for the relationship that existed before treatment.
Dr. Pereira recommends agreeing on specific times to discuss infertility. Outside those periods, the couple can make space for other parts of life.
“You might set aside time after an appointment or agree to talk for half an hour in the evening. This can reassure the partner who needs to talk that the conversation will happen, while giving the other person some breathing room.”
It may also help to protect activities that are not connected to treatment, such as having dinner together, seeing friends or spending a weekend without discussing the next step.
This gives the emotions and decisions surrounding IVF the attention they need, while preserving space for the rest of your life and relationship.
Trying to conceive can change the meaning of sex. What was once spontaneous may become timed, monitored and connected to success or failure.
Treatment can add physical discomfort, tiredness, changes in desire and periods when sex follows a schedule. Emotional strain can also make intimacy feel difficult.
Dr. Pereira says:
“Talk openly about these changes without blame. Intimacy does not always need to mean sex. Affection, physical closeness and time together can help maintain connection when treatment is demanding.”
If either partner feels rejected or under pressure, acknowledge it with care. An open conversation can help you understand what has changed and find ways to reconnect that feel comfortable for you both.
Friends and relatives may ask when you are having children or offer advice you did not request. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers and family gatherings may become difficult.
Partners do not always agree about what to share. One may want support from friends, while the other values privacy or feels uncomfortable discussing a diagnosis.
Dr. Pereira suggests you agree together:
Privacy deserves respect, but complete secrecy can become isolating.
“Living with infertility and treatment in secret can become a heavy burden.”
A small, carefully chosen support network can provide space beyond the relationship, so neither partner has to meet every emotional need alone.
Fertility treatment often begins with motivation and hope. But repeated unsuccessful cycles can gradually affect emotional wellbeing, work, finances, intimacy and the relationship itself.
It is worth discussing limits before you feel exhausted and depleted. These may include:
A pause is not the same as giving up. It may create space to recover, seek another medical opinion or decide what feels acceptable next.
There may also come a point when your medical team recommends changing approach or ending treatment. This can be one of the most difficult decisions a couple faces. Dr. Pereira says:
“Couples need support with these decisions. Stopping treatment can be particularly difficult, especially for women.”
Clear medical information is essential. You need to understand:
As Dr. Pereira says:
“A considered decision is easier to make when neither partner feels responsible for carrying it alone.”
You do not need to wait until your relationship is in crisis before speaking to a psychologist.
Dr. Pereira explains that support may be helpful if:
“A fertility psychologist does not decide what you should do. Their role is to help you understand your emotional responses, recognise unhelpful communication patterns and approach decisions with greater clarity.”
Seeking support is not an admission that you are failing to cope. It is a considered way to protect your wellbeing and your relationship during a demanding period.
Infertility may reveal differences between partners. Open communication can help you remain connected throughout the experience.
At AVA Clinic, psychological support forms part of a complete approach to fertility care. Every conversation is held with discretion, time and close attention to your individual circumstances, so that both the medical and emotional aspects of treatment receive the care they require.
Book a consultation with our team in Lisbon to discuss your options and understand what comes next.
